My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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