When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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