You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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