My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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