At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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