you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
