if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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