i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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