apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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