my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
