I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
