my soul wont recognize me after tonight
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
