So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
