Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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