i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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