It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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