Don't make out with my wife yet
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
