I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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