There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
