My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
