I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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