I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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