I didn't shave. On purpose
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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