i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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