and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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