filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
is wine microwaveable?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
