true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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