I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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