you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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