if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
