"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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