Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
