glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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