Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
