She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
