call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
