I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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