This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
