I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize