Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
