I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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