Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
