my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
