there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
