So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize