and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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