Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
