I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
