I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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