She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
