She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
