I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm always down for nudity.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize