From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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