KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize