mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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