You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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