I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
