Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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