opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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