Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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