she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
When are your genitals available?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
