look no pants
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
