Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
