Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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