Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
