meet me or not, i'm out of control
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
