I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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