thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
