omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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