i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
