4 words: hood of his car
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
sarcasm needs its own font
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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